Last Days of the Rage Part III

The King of Fruits

Going to India makes me angry. Not because of the country but because nothing ever goes right and my foresight didn’t let me down!

This trip was just shy of 2 weeks and my longest to date. The visa process took over 5 months and I applied for a year’s multiple entry but you can only imagine the humour echoing in the open plan office when I proclaimed I only got a double entry!! I landed in Mumbai and I took immigration by the horns. Hotel pick up was waiting for me and the first of many beggars (with new born baby) started tugging on my shirt tails and heart strings. Great start!. I was residing in 5 star grandeur this time with an outdoor pool. Well that’s how they described it but I beg to differ when they served me coffee in a chipped red mug.




Dhobi Ghat - Good to see they separate out whites and colours

 

I wasn’t looking forward to my trip after residing in the most seedy hotel the previous time where am I still convinced they were filming a skin flick. The only highlight was going to be the eye candy in the lab but alas he left in one of those 5 months it took to expedite my visa. The dashingly handsome supervisor was replaced by a local Mumbian woman who use to live in the States, in Chicago, who lived at Irving and Broadway and use to work in the lab on the floor beneath my favourite customer in Chicago and was actually friends with them too. Bloody small world. I was at this account for a full week and I saw very few people as everyone was a little distracted by this small tournament that was going on…..the cricket world cup. Even the sales rep had disappeared but I found everyone congregating as the sales rep was projecting the match on the wall via his lap top. It did feel good to be in Mumbai when India won but I ddin’t get (couldn’t get) close to the stadium and watched the celebratory fireworks from the safety of my hotel room. I toured Mumbai again. I don’t know where the lat driver took me but it certainly wasn’t the top 5 tourist spots that I saw on this tour! I loved the Dhobi Ghat. It’s always refreshing to see men do laundry.

The following week was spent in Kolkata. I have never flown an internal flight in India before and didn’t know what to expect! . The airport at ridiculous o’clock still equalled mayhem! I did bump into my cousin’s wife there who lives in London. Very surreal. The shuttle to the plane must have taken over 30 mins and I have convinced myself that I saw Sanduker’s (local Mumbai cricket player who was playing in the World Cup) new Audi when passing the cargo holding area . So when boarding the plane I was eyeing off this man in an embellished tee shirt, terrible hair, huge diamond earrings and a tracksuit that Jimmy Saville would have been proud of. A woman passed him and bowed at him and told his she loved his work. The intrigue was killing me! A man at the luggage carousel kindly put my intrigue to rest and this man is a famous Bollywood singer called Kumar Sanu…..his diamond bracelet which spelled out Sanoo could have told me that and if I knew than then I would have told him he had spelt his name wrong.

I was told Kolkata was a dump. They weren’t kidding. The hospital was in a place called New Town and somebody forgot to tell me that the hospital was just a building site. I was ushered into into a car where the driver picked up somebody’s spat out chewing gum with his fingers, dropped off in a car park in the middle of a building site to be met by two strange men and I didn’t even question it! I like to think my naivety is part of my charm. The name New Town speaks for itself! If it wasn’t for the roaming cattle and the rickshaws then you could have easily thought you were in some city in Eastern Europe! Kolkata lacks the charm of the India that I know and have become accustomed to. Give me stylised India over those high rises sprouting up everywhere.

I was invited to a party in the hotel….the French embassy was hosting as they have opened a new consulate office in the city. Well, I am quite fond of some French tunes. I was expecting some Phoenix, Air and Daft Punk combo and not some rock/Asian fusion awful sounding noise. The noise was worse than bag pipes. I left soon after the second song but not before this woman came over to me and started to stroke my face to tell me I had beautiful skin and looked so innocent. I didn’t want to tell her that was the positive effects of the anti-malaria tablets that I was using are normally prescribed for acne. Ergo!

Since things went awry I had some time to myself so I thought I would take a little tour of the city. So the driver was late and I was paying a premium for it. I told concierge that I would like to see what made Kolkata Kolkata! Well, because the driver was late when we started the tour it meant the dark was cutting in and I couldn’t bloody see anything! The concierge told me to see the famous flower markets and fruit markets. I was taken to the local market which sold……knock off trainers and handbags. It was like being on the Quayside on a giant scale. I did get to see a couple of things before the dark set in. I was warned that I will see a lot of limbless in Kolkata and I was boasting to the people that I hadn’t seen any. Well, I spoke too soon. I was too busy looking at the fat gypsy wedding carriages to realise a beggar hot on my heals who only had one thigh on a hand steered tricycle flatbed contraption was following me. If you know me then you know my fear of people with less than four limbs. My face was a picture. I couldn’t get back in the car fast enough.

It took over twenty four hours to get back from Kolkata. I had an over night stay in Dubai and thought since I took a voluntary hunger strike (so I didn’t need to use the facilities) I would treat myself to a feed up at the Gordon Ramsey restaurant in the hotel. I went from 500 calories a day for 2 weeks to a 7 course tasting menu! I knew I had to be up early so I booked a 730pm table thinking I wasn’t going to be there for long. I was the only one in the restaurant at that time but 2 hours and 40 minutes later I wobbled out of the place after the genial couple next to me insisted on letting me share their very expensive wine! The food was blood tasty but I do have to add that Lisa Reci’s minestrone soup is far superior!

Check out my photos of Mumbai, Kolkata and Dubai....well a 7 course tasting menu

Sheikh, not so rattled and belly rolled.

I spent two weeks back to back in Muslim countries. They couldn’t have differed more: Saudi Arabia and the UAE.

It took over a month to expedite my Saudi visa, with far too many stressful emails and phone calls but it seemed like a breeze compared to getting the authorisation to go! It wasn’t until I was at the transfer desk in Paris that found out I had the green light to hop on the plane to Jeddah. The idea of visiting Saudi had never appealed to me. The beheadings, the chopping off the hands and the mere fact, women are treated like second class citizens may have had everything to do with it (but it didn’t stop me from visiting the execution square) I was exercising my deep breathing technique from the moment I left Newcastle and until I got through immigration at Jeddah. I was more than apprehensive and I was not looking forward to this trip. When the plane landed I wanted to cry. I really didn’t want to go. Disembarking I noticed a man wearing nothing more than a white shabby towel or two. I know now that he was preparing for his pilgrimage to Mecca and was wearing his ihram. The announcement what I thought was the notification to switch off electrical equipment was in actual fact the announcement that we were approaching the Miqat which is the point where you start preparing for your pilgrimage to Mecca. Who knew! Immigration was full of men in their white towels which of course intrigued me more as this was prior to me consulting my friend Wikipedia to find out what it all signified. Seeing men in their state of ihram coupled with their huge Rolex watches and MacDonalds was a pretty unique sight!

The company I was visiting had paid somebody to follow me from the moment I disembarked till I got through immigration to make sure it was seamless. I didn’t notice except for this man tapped me on the shoulder to ask if I was his cousin. Clearly, we weren’t as he was Arabian, Seamless? I had to do my fingerprints over 8 times! When I entered the country I was met with open arms, a welcome committee, an abaya, matching head scarf, 12 red roses, a Granny Smith apple and coconut macaroons!

I arrived at ridiculous o’clock and I didn’t anticipate that Jeddah was going to be how it is. It’s full of huge buildings, neon lights and American chain restaurants. I didn’t expect to see people walking along the Corniche at 2:30am, getting ice cream at Baskin Robbins or having post midnight feasts at Macdonalds.

I loved my visit to Jeddah albeit it was suffocating towards the end. Wearing the abaya was a challenge when it was 4 inches too long and 30 Deg C! Walking up stairs really demonstrated my lack of finesse and a bell sleeved abaya for pointing at the instrument and sharing food is a no no I was told not to be the loud mouth Geordie I am and to be demure. I failed at both of them but I got along just fine, hanging out with the boys and ate broasted chicken at Al Baik. I don’t know what I was going to expect in Jeddah but the women were all Chanel handbags and Laboutins. Women aren’t permitted to drive and indigenous Arabian women aren’t permitted to work but the women I met were highly educated, had studied overseas and treated like queens. I equated this to the Amish and resprunga. The women that I spoke to are hopeful that things will change and when they do they are ready to enter the workforce with their degrees and the languages they speak! I was told about the ‘family areas’ in restaurants that section off areas for women and their family so they can take their burqas off to eat. I was fascinated with the burqa and there are different ways to wear them. My particular favourite was the shuttlecock one. Women have wonderful skin because they have never sun baked but they have to get vitamin D tested because they don't see any sun!

The local food was amazing, fresh and healthy but there were so many American fast food chains but I can proudly say that the Anglo Saxon didn’t kick in and I didn’t frequent any of them. The distributor threw a party for me. Since I was guest of honour and had to receive everyone who came. I hated every last minute of it but it was humbling that people had come to see me.

The sales rep thought it would be fun to go bowling…..wearing an abaya and I had to wear the bowling shoes with no socks on. Ergghhhhh. When I texted my friend with my dismay all she could say was to release the ball low to the ground and gave me tips. We all know I need everything to improve my game. I didn’t win but I was the only one who got a strike! One of the sites I visited really was on the road to Mecca. I went to another account in area near the seaport called Quarantina from the word quarantine as this is where they housed the sick immigrants from Africa. Today, this area is still a predominantly African area and I was told I could see anybody from Dr. Alban to 50 Cent. Hmmm, I am sure 50 Cent would be gutted to know he was mentioned in the same sentence as the 90s one hit wonder. Another customer couldn’t make it to my workshop as it was all hands on deck in his hospital as they had an infamous patient residing…..Mubarak. I was stood up for the ex Egyptian president. There is very little in the way of entertainment so everyone goes shopping. The malls are aplenty and they have shops from all over the world….BHS, M+S, etc etc. Of course there are the designer stores too and three storey Starbucks!.

I expected nothing from this country but I have to say I felt it was my most successful trip both professionally and personally. I learnt so much about a country that I looked at with blinkers on! I was treated very well but I did find it stifling. I have to admit that I secretly fist pumped when I saw that it’s now on my restricted travel zone and I can’t go to Riyadh for the time being!

My photos are so boring but I was advised not to walk around on my own to photograph the sculptures on the Corniche!

Jeddah Photos

The following week I went to Dubai. I got to the hotel at 3am sans luggage, training material toothbrush and spare pants. Emirates are so strict with their hand luggage policy or I wouldn’t have travelled so amateur like! Somebody had taken my case to Abu Dhabi. I was told that our cases looked so similar but I saw the case they had left behind and mine did not look like that…..all I could say was ‘mine is a Samsonite’ Anyway, the next day I had to make one of the hardest decisions in my life: wear an ‘I love Dubai’ tee shirt from the gift shop or yesterday’s clothes. So I opted for yesterday’s clothes after I saw the price. I met customers from four countries sporting, jeans, hooded top and dirty white Converse. Just to add to my woo, I had inadvertently taken a night time decongestant and I had to sit next to the new boss for seven hours.

I did a quick trip of Dubai but there was very little to see. The driver kept trying to palm me off with shopping malls and I just wasn’t in the mood for shopping. The best thing I did see was when I went to do some recon on a function room in a hotel. Whilst I was waiting for my appointment I saw this American Grandpa who was so proud of himself for picking up two Russian hookers. I think she signed the deal with her smooth line of “spend 2 minutes with me and you will know me very well after that”

Dubai is great for the weather and the decadence but I had a super quick trip, ate dinner in the same restaurant twice and wore the same clothes as I travelled in for a 7 hour meeting so maybe my opinion is jaded! To me, it’s like Vegas without the gambling!

One Night in Paris

My first work's trip for 2011 was my third and final trip to Belgrade. I don't think that place can get old because it really does show great hospitality by genuine people and it's a beautiful city but a five hour lay over in CDG does get old quick especially when you are flying JAT airlines and stuck in the what I can imagine purgatory to be like!  Dear Terminal 2B, you are so inferior to your cousins, 2E and 2F. The disappointment was immense. I felt like Mehran Karimi Nasseri.

I have stayed in the same hotel in Belgrade on three different occasions and I have always known that the bathroom is built for tall people but for some reason this one seemed like it was built for giants. I had to erect scaffolding to reach for the towels off the towel rack and I would have failed the task if I had to hook it on the towel peg. It was all a little too crystal maze to reach them and my reward would have been 2 starchy towels.

The work week was followed by a wedding in Leicester. Who said my life wasn't glamorous? I stayed in a hotel off the motorway where the shower cubicle was in the actually room as there was no separate bathroom. Hmmm, hotel? I think more motel.

I don't know how but I have managed to avoid the Wetzlar office for the last 8 months but the time came were I had to go to Germany, again....3 times in less than a year. It was our DSA meeting and on the second night the agenda said we had an event to attend. We didn't know where we were going but a short bus journey to took us to a club on an industrial estate. We had to queue and wait for the club to open but there were a heap of good looking youths of today, also waiting in the queue too which I thought was strange The surprise was that we were going to see a magician. He was very vocal in his native tongue......German.  So for the time he was on the stage which felt like those 5 hours in CDG again, I had no clue what he was doing for 95% of the time. Our company had a VIP section as we had a cold buffet dinner....in a night club. When he finished they quickly cleared the stage replacing the crap but apparently very famous magician (he was no Siegfried or Roy) with a DJ in an argyle jumper who was mixing up the "best" Euro beats. My colleague and I from Brazil were counting down the time for when we thought we were getting picked up but then another colleague noticed there was  a huge security present in the club, I asked our cute little waiter what was going on and he told me Paris Hilton was coming to the club. I didn't believe him and put a wager on it too.  Well, it was a flipping media frenzy and then the paparazzi stormed our VIP section as Paris H, her very self, was making her way to the VIP section next to ours. She obviously didn't get the memo that casual was the order of the day as I was wearing Uggs, boyfriend jeans and the top I had worn for work and she looked far too over dressed in sky scraper heels, mini mini dress and fur coat. Ridiculous. Her security guard said she was 'ungry' but for some reason she didn't want to snack at our left overs from the cold buffet. I thought the Omsk trip had been my most surreal experience but I think being in a night club, in Uggs, which was located on an industrial estate in Germany on a school night sitting less than 10 meters away from Paris Hilton

This may top the poll so far. What's best is that I didn't pack my camera and this is the first time I haven't taken my camera with me because why would I need it in Wetzlar so please excuse the terrible photo taken with a BlackBerry.





One Night In Paris - Night Vision Goggles as she's pretty used to this!

This trips ends with the 4th hotel in 8 days and this is actually in AMS. Now I really  know how Mehran Karimi Nasseri felt but luckily I know I am leaving in the morning and not in 18 years.